Being more curious in conversations.
Being aware in conversations.
I think these are closer than we like to think. One of the things I tend to do that drives a few friends up the wall is talking. I talk to strangers all the time. Up until recently, I had not considered it at all. It was commonplace for me. This shock grew even more when folks started saying I’m “Such an extrovert!”. Although I can’t say for certain, I feel like an introvert.
In a talk with a friend about this, she explained why sometimes it was easier to opt for silence than to be curious. Societal expectations on taboo topics and sensitive issues we’re not to touch can make conversations, with strangers and friends alike, feel like a minefield. And, in comes silence as an option. It is true! There are topics that are off limits. And, it is true that these preferences vary. What you might be comfortable talking about, could put another person off, or ignite them. And, yet, I say be curious in conversations regardless.
I had not thought about this a lot. And, it was an interesting exercise to do so. The way I handle curiosity in conversations leads me into minefields sometimes. The topic might be off-putting to me, or my conversational partner. And that is ok. This is because when in conversation, we’re dancing a delicate dance. If we are present and aware in a conversation, the message will have been sent by many means before it ever reaches that ignition point. Body languages, shifts in tone, the length of sentences, the pauses, and even their energy 1 will have told you.
That is not to say you will never anger your conversational partner. You will. And they will anger you. In those moments, it is what you do next that matters. Despite the convenient analogy of a “minefield”, conversation is not one. If anything, I would say conversation is an evolution of trust. It starts with small stakes. This is where small-talk matters.
As a kid, I hated small talk. I could not see the point. Why could I not jump into the meaty things. Isn’t that the smart thing to do. I felt edgy. I didn’t need to engage with people who started with small-talk, after all they must be avoiding the real talk. It was a good while until I learned differently.
Small-talk has a PR issue. Because I find that small-talk is paramount. It is the foundation by which we build trust and relationships. It is anything but small. Conversations require doorknobs 2, and a good conversation requires many. Doorknobs are entry points into different conversational paths. Small-talk is how we discover these. If you’re aware in a conversation and listen. You’ll notice that they exist everywhere in the conversation.
And I return to the issue of topics and opting for silence. And of curiosity. Without curiosity, we fall into a least generous explanation of what the person intended. We do not pause to listen and understand. And because there is no pause, we may lead ourselves to the worst. Whereas taking curiosity in the conversation may mean approaching it with generosity and allowing the partner to explain. It could be restating what they said, to make sure you understood it right.
“ I want to make sure I heard you right...”
“ Just to make sure I understand ... “
Curiosity in a conversation needs to be from both parties. It is unreasonable to expect the same level of curiosity, but it needs to be there. Sometimes this means that the person with more curiosity needs to be leading the conversation. The concept of a most generous explanation goes further in that we ought not to deduce a person’s intent or personality from what they say. Again, we can give them a pause and be curious why they would say that. I am not optimistic and expect divine saintlike goodness of everyone, no, but more importantly I am also not a pessimist. I am just curious.