Acknowledging that I have ADHD has been difficult. However, the symptoms are more obvious now than ever before. I have dumped countless hours into learning (and demystifying) it. That has helped.
That the psychiatrist would want to treat the depression and anxiety first, was expected. Unexpected, was that treating these two would result in a flare up of my ADHD symptoms. This past week has been magnificent. I have been without anxiety. There are no jitters on my fingers, and my an overall reduction in fidgeting and restlessness. What a radical change. However, without anxiety, I cannot seem to work. There just is no pressure driving me to complete any tasks. Naturally, this has made for a rather exhausting week. I do end up finishing my work. My days are longer now. Although I sleep well, I do not sleep at a reasonable hour. The hard work I had put in to straighten my sleep schedule last year seems to be in ruins. It is devastating.
Even when I complete my day's work, I often cannot bring myself to stop whatever activity I am engaged in long enough to walk up to bed. Even if that activity is not interesting. I notice a greater difficulty in switching between contexts. This was not a problem before - at least not to the point it was disruptive. Now, it takes more energy to change what my brain focuses on - if I can at all.
I have found that my previous systems no longer work for me as well. My use of workflowy relied on predictable - timed- checking. Which seems impossible now. I have set timers on my phone to remind me to check it. I am hoping this prosthetic helps establish a habit of checking. Writing things down and moving them to a master list in workflowy worked before. However that has been difficult to continue. I am using my calendar and inbox a lot more. If I do not write it down, it will not get done.
I keep flipping between programs. Writing is hard and it seems my brain does not want to continue. Focusing to do this significantly harder than it used to be. I find myself on tumblr or reddit looking for "writing prompts". It is easy to convince myself that this time spent -not writing- will eventually help. But I know it is just because my brain is under-stimulated when writing. This is a bigger problem now than before. I used to be a nervous/ anxious wreck and it consumed me. I wrote because I could not imagine not remembering tasks / feelings/ events/ or whatever came into my mind. Yes, that was not healthy - but it worked.
I learned of this word "Interoception" or "Interoceptive awareness". It is our natural ability to recognize internal workings and markers to inform actions, i.e. I feel thirsty - I ought to drink water. In the past week I have seen just how much I eat to self-medicate. Without anxiety, I notice that these triggers do not really do anything. I feel blind to these internal triggers. This past week I have only remembered to eat lunch because I scheduled it in my calendar, and dinner because I typically eat after I feed the dogs. Drinking is something that has suffered the most. I see now that a big reason I drank a lot of water was my anxiety surrounding my kidney transplant. Without that anxiety, drinking water is a lot more difficult. Again, this is something I've had to set reminders for.
The problem with reminders is that they only work when you pay attention to them. I have not found a way to make them so grating + annoying that I cannot ignore it.
I understand that treating depression and anxiety first is part of the process. But it is draining me like nothing before. I am exhausted. I feel inadequate that these things that come naturally to everyone else seem to be so difficult this week.