What an awful rainy day. There was a moment of snow, but otherwise rained all day. But the positive of the day is that I got around to building the bookshelf we bought 3 months ago. Vic-to-ry. It was good to relax after a mighty exhausting week. We had not gotten proper downtime after returning from the trip. This was it.
As I read more of Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside, I see that the way she models speaking is wildly different from my own. At first, it felt fake. People don’t talk like that, do they? Do people restate what the other has said, and then respond? Isn’t that just saccharine.
As I progressed further, it became clear to me that the individuals in my life who I feel the most heard/seen with do this. They, naturally, do not talk to me as if I was a child. But they capture elements of that speech pattern. They make an effort to restate and mirror your statements, and respond with the most generous interpretation. I felt the effects of it, but had not understood anything. And while feeling seen and being heard in a conversation is desirable - I sometimes wanted out. The conversations felt off. To the point, I sometimes avoided folks for a few days after a conversation like this. I felt exposed and vulnerable in a way I was unaccustomed to.
But the thing is, I felt connected with these people. Every conversation ended with a deeper connection. It felt good to be in that situation. A part of me was spooked by this magic. I may have avoided them to let the conversations marinate. Deep and tough conversations do that. But the bigger question is, does it go back to the attachment styles? Insecure - avoidant is a thing. My knowledge is lacking. But one thing was clear. I wanted this skill. I wanted to make sure folks felt validated and seen when they spoke with me.
Now, I’m confident, these skills were not modeled for me by my parents. That could be a reason for it feeling alien to me. And yet, it feels like a skill that I can practice.
And the thing is, I don’t think any of these folks utilize “active listening” or anything. At least, not my understanding of it. They pick their words carefully and are excellent mirrors. Not only in the words that their conversation partners say, but their movements and expressions. Their body language and tone of voice feel skillful. I cannot say how, though.
This may be another area of improvement for me.
In the book, Dr. Kennedy talks to her children in ways I found unfathomable. Despite acknowledging that she makes mistakes, her approach is aware and focused. There is a purpose. Repair and resolution is possible.
The expectation to never make a mistake in a conversation and to always be perfect is unrealistic. I see that. No amount of reading or practicing will ameliorate it.
That’s not my goal. I don’t want to be perfect. I think I want to develop and practice my speech so that the modeled behaviors of my past do not float to the surface. And should they float up, I am prepared to repair or resolve them.